New to the Blog

The Owl Reads has replaced Wise Thoughts! It is targed for lower school library news.
I have added several pages I think could be helpful to parents. Websites, apps, books and resources that I have come across and are educationally appropriate for children. I hope to add frequently!

The Blessing of a Skinned Knee

The Blessing of a Skinned Knee : Using Jewish Teachings to Raise Self- Reliant Children. Wendy Mogel

This book had some similar themes as The Price of Privilege. Notable points include:

Ø “Achievement by proxy syndrome” in which she refers to parents using their children’s achievements as a reflection of themselves and even “parents who don’t use their children as a hedge against existential fears or a badge of their own worth can find it hard not to succumb to the fever of competition” (p. 42)

Ø She reminds us of that in Hebrew there is no verb for possession and that “yesh li” actually means ‘there for me’ and so are children are a “precious loan and each one has a unique path toward serving God. Our job is to help them find out what it is”. (p. 43)

Ø Mogel encourages us to think of our children who come to as a seed in a packet without directions. We have no idea what type of flower they will be but we can nurture them and accept their differences and they will bloom when they are ready.

Ø Respecting your parents and elders is also important and included in the Fifth Commandment.

Ø Raising hardy children is accomplished by withdrawing from “smoothing their path and satisfying all of their wishes” as children mature. They need to stumble a bit and learn how to “withstand the bumps and knocks of life”. This will allow them to grow into self-resilient and self-reliant adults (p. 93)

Ø The media- Moderation is the key. Mogel warns parents not to “make fun of the form or content” of their shows but to be an “enchanted spectator”. (p. 103)

Ø Raising your children to leave you: “In the book Leviticus, God warns us not to put a stumbling block before the blind. Keeping too close an eye on children is a stumbling block. If they don’t have the chance to be bad, they can’t choose to be good. If they don’t have the chance to fail they can’t learn”. (p. 108)

Ø Wants: “Parents cannot and should not try to eliminate longing in a child. Instead, we must teach our children how to redirect their longings, accept ‘no’ graciously, and appreciate the blessings they do have.” (p. 118)

Ø Chores matter.

Ø Create a peaceful environment for eating.

Ø Recognizing your child’s worst behavior as her greatest strength.

· Stubborn/ whining = persistent

· Complaining = discerning

· Overeating= lusty

· Argumentative= forthright & outspoken

· Loud = exuberant

· Shy = cautious & modest

· Reckless/accident prone = daring and adventurous

· Bossy = commanding and authoritative

· Picky, nervous, obsessive = serious & detail oriented

Ø Find uninterrupted time together as a family

Ø Let them be bored. “treat daydreaming and fooling around as valuable activities. Being messy, noisy, silly, goofy and vegging out are as essential to the development of your child’s mind and spirit as anything else he does.” (p. 229)

I personally am reminded of the necessity of recognizing who our children really are, as well as working as parents and teachers to allow our children to experience some bumps along the way. Whereas I know that as a parent my goal is to give them “roots and wings”, as what Mogel refers to as our children being a “precious loan”, I know in my heart it is hard to picture them independent of me and maybe living far away. I already dwell on the fact that my oldest only has four years left before college. After reading this book, as well as the others I read, I am reminded of the true need for my children to be independent, as well as the means to get there. Of course this means making sure they can stand up for themselves, feel confident that they can solve some of their own problems and trust themselves to make decisions. I assume Eric and I will continue to plow through this!

I definitely recognize some areas where we are a little lax in this house. My children can interrupt both Eric and I without a thought and they think our bathroom is theirs (of which I am now working on enforcing some distinction). I don’t think the author would approve of my teenager calling his dad “Boss Man”, but I’m not going to change that as over the summer it has evolved as an endearment to both of them. We will have to work on “Honoring thy mother and father” a bit more around here.

I can say we do have a peaceful environment for dinner. I have always wanted this to be a pleasant time so we keep problem discussions for later. However, at my home we definitely need to expect more from our children in the form of chores and I am really hoping to step this up this year. For our family this will mean laying expectations at the start of the school year because, as soon as we start the cycle , I have a hard time making changes. I really hope I can establish a good chore routine this year. Frankly, aside from the importance for them to have them, I need the help around the house and as this book reminds me- I can’t underestimate their abilities.

Finally, the remarks referring to accepting the media in moderation resonated well with me. For me, having a teenager who watches shows on the mature side , some of which I tell my son are a little “cheesy” , make me more fond of shows my younger son watches like Phineas and Ferb, and Wizards of Waverly Place!

Mogel reminds me as both a parent and a teacher to really look at our children and discover their interests, talents, and weaknesses. Only once we recognize these can we then work to help our children “bloom”. I know at home Eric and I have much to work on. Professionally, I feel so privileged to work at Williams where we work as a whole as a faculty to really watch our students to discover their strengths, interests, and weaknesses. In my seven years at Williams I have always marveled at the number of faculty conversations concerning the best interest of a student I have been a part of.

As a parent, I chuckled upon reading Mogels point of recognizing your child’s “worst behavior as his greatest strength”. Three for three I have have a host of “areas for improvement”. Eric and I have a child whom we have always called our “loudest child”, and I’m not kidding when I say loud. Mogel tells me that this actually means “exuberant”. After this reading I remembered in first grade he received the class award of “Mayor of First Grade”. Achievement wise that is about where we stand and I could not be prouder.

The Price of Privilege

The Price of Privilege, Madeline Levine

Of several of the summer readings that I have read this summer, this is one of my favorites. I believe it comes from the truth that I have a ninth grader, sixth grader and fourth grader, all of whom are in competitive academic schools and also live privileged lives. I took into account Levine’s experience in the field of psychology and her research for this book and coupled those with my own experience as a parent and teacher. I felt several passages in the book merited careful reflection.

Ø “Sensing their children’s vulnerabilities, parents find themselves protecting their offspring from either challenge or disappointment…While demands for outstanding academic or extracurricular performance are very high, expectations about family responsibilities are very low”.

Ø Levine also indicates that when parents frequently intervene on behalf of their child they are hampering the essential development of “sense of self” that comes when children are exposed to and learn to manage their own “increasingly complex personal and interpersonal challenges”. She contends the importance of children and teens learning to problem solve with the “support” of the parent. She points out children demonstrate a sense of self when they are confident to make decisions that are “authentically her own because she is not diverted by her mother’s needs or anxiety”. (p. 9)

Ø A notable passage to me included these remarks: “Fewer and fewer affluent teens are able to resist the constant pressure to excel. Between accelerated academic courses, multiple extracurricular activities, premature preparation for high school, or college special coaches and tutors are engaged to wring the last bit of performance out of them, many kids find themselves scheduled to within an inch of their lives.” Many kids today “can’t find the time, both literal and psychological, to linger in internal exploration; a necessary precursor to a well developed sense of self. Fantasies, daydreaming, thinking about oneself and one’s future, even just ‘chilling’ are critical processes in self-development and cannot be hurried”. (p.10)

Ø Levine also makes an interesting distinction between intrusion and support. She claims that “support is about the needs of the child, intrusion is about the needs of the parent”. (p.12)

Ø She also associated parenting, within this culture of affluence, as more of a business endeavor and less like an endeavor of the heart. We are overly concerned with the “bottom line, with how our children ‘do’ rather than who are children are. (p. 14)

Ø “Parents need to reassure their children that they will not die poor and lonely if they don’t get into honors math, or become school valedictorian, or to Harvard. Kids are bombarded with messages about the importance of high performance at school, at home, and in the media. What they really need is to be educated about the values of perseverance and perspective, and to understand that learning and performance are not always the same thing. They need to see that their parents value effort, curiosity, and intellectual courage”. (p.57)

Ø Levine writes about the importance of internal motivation Levine claims that “Parents pressure their children to be outstanding, while neglecting the very process by which outstanding children are formed. ‘Outstanding’ is not about grades, trophies, high status, or recognition by others,…From a psychologist’s point of view, outstanding children are those who have developed a ‘self’ that is authentic, capable, loving, creative, in control of itself and moral”. (p.65)

Ø “ Self-efficacy is the belief that we can successfully impact our world.” Self -esteem refers to judgments on our self worth but self -efficacy refers to judgments in our capabilities. Children who have a strong sense of self -efficacy believe in themselves to act on their own behalf. “This ability to act appropriately in one’s best interest is termed: agency. Self-efficacy refers to beliefs; agency refers to actions; but they both refer to a sense of personal control”. People with high levels of agency are known as “go getters”. Levine believes that children who are willing to “give it a shot” and approach teachers with a concern or problem develop stronger levels of self-efficacy. She claims, “The worst and unfortunately frequent scenario in competitive homes is that the parent calls up and demands to know from the teacher why the grade was low. Certainly there are times when children, particularly young children, need parental intervention. But these times are fewer than we think, and the goal should always be to help the child learn on his own behalf. (pp 71-72)

Ø In developing a healthy sense of self Levine claims, “Status, money possessions, achievement, the school your child goes to, or the grades he gets, are not factors that contribute to the development of a healthy sense of self”. (p.93) She further claims, “Every time we encourage exploration, applaud independence, and require self-control we help our children grow into their best selves. (p.94)

I gleaned several summations from this book and Levine’s experience in the field. There is a high value on homework and extracurricular activities and less on expectations around the home. Family responsibilities are important in keeping kids grounded. I see this more as my own children are getting older, and I need to step up some of the expectations around my own house.

I also think letting your children solve their own problems is hard to do, yet I do believe each time they solve a problem of their own they put a deposit in their self-confidence account. One of my son’s coaches told us at a pre-season parents meeting that if our son had a problem, question, or concern during the season he was expected to come and talk to the coaches himself rather than having his parents come in. We were welcome to talk to them but our son should have already approached them first. The coach also handed us a schedule that included departure times for away games. He told us to put the games on the big family schedule and then hand it over to our son. The players were expected to maintain their schedule and coordinate it appropriately with their classwork, etc. He said the motto was FIO- “figure it out”. The players were also present during this meeting, so the expectations were clear to all. My husband and I have adopted this motto on many other issues with our son. When he is looking at us to take charge of his problem, it is with confidence that we now say, “Figure it out”- and he usually does. I believe this goes along with what Levine discusses with the distinction between “support” and “intervention” and in developing self- efficacy. As parents we need to give our children the confidence to solve problems on their own. I think we instinctively know, as well, when it is a problem that we need to involve ourselves in such as bullying or serious emotional distress.

The most relevant notion from the book for me personally was the reminder of keeping the focus on who my own children are and not on their products. All three of my children need nudges to study and strive to do their best in school. Grades of a B with nods to either side are common in our home. Having a son starting high school in a school where honor roll is prized and top universities are the goal, I know in our home my husband and I will focus this year on what Levine calls “perseverance”, “perspective”, and the “process” and the value of “learning”. I also really like how she claims a “true sense of self” is not defined by the awards our kids win or the names of the schools and colleges they go to. After reading this book I feel encouraged to trust my instincts and keep the focus on my own children’s needs, who they are, and what is important for them. And of course, continue to nudge.