The Price of Privilege, Madeline Levine
Of several of the summer readings that I have read this summer, this is one of my favorites. I believe it comes from the truth that I have a ninth grader, sixth grader and fourth grader, all of whom are in competitive academic schools and also live privileged lives. I took into account Levine’s experience in the field of psychology and her research for this book and coupled those with my own experience as a parent and teacher. I felt several passages in the book merited careful reflection.
Ø “Sensing their children’s vulnerabilities, parents find themselves protecting their offspring from either challenge or disappointment…While demands for outstanding academic or extracurricular performance are very high, expectations about family responsibilities are very low”.
Ø Levine also indicates that when parents frequently intervene on behalf of their child they are hampering the essential development of “sense of self” that comes when children are exposed to and learn to manage their own “increasingly complex personal and interpersonal challenges”. She contends the importance of children and teens learning to problem solve with the “support” of the parent. She points out children demonstrate a sense of self when they are confident to make decisions that are “authentically her own because she is not diverted by her mother’s needs or anxiety”. (p. 9)
Ø A notable passage to me included these remarks: “Fewer and fewer affluent teens are able to resist the constant pressure to excel. Between accelerated academic courses, multiple extracurricular activities, premature preparation for high school, or college special coaches and tutors are engaged to wring the last bit of performance out of them, many kids find themselves scheduled to within an inch of their lives.” Many kids today “can’t find the time, both literal and psychological, to linger in internal exploration; a necessary precursor to a well developed sense of self. Fantasies, daydreaming, thinking about oneself and one’s future, even just ‘chilling’ are critical processes in self-development and cannot be hurried”. (p.10)
Ø Levine also makes an interesting distinction between intrusion and support. She claims that “support is about the needs of the child, intrusion is about the needs of the parent”. (p.12)
Ø She also associated parenting, within this culture of affluence, as more of a business endeavor and less like an endeavor of the heart. We are overly concerned with the “bottom line, with how our children ‘do’ rather than who are children are. (p. 14)
Ø “Parents need to reassure their children that they will not die poor and lonely if they don’t get into honors math, or become school valedictorian, or to Harvard. Kids are bombarded with messages about the importance of high performance at school, at home, and in the media. What they really need is to be educated about the values of perseverance and perspective, and to understand that learning and performance are not always the same thing. They need to see that their parents value effort, curiosity, and intellectual courage”. (p.57)
Ø Levine writes about the importance of internal motivation Levine claims that “Parents pressure their children to be outstanding, while neglecting the very process by which outstanding children are formed. ‘Outstanding’ is not about grades, trophies, high status, or recognition by others,…From a psychologist’s point of view, outstanding children are those who have developed a ‘self’ that is authentic, capable, loving, creative, in control of itself and moral”. (p.65)
Ø “ Self-efficacy is the belief that we can successfully impact our world.” Self -esteem refers to judgments on our self worth but self -efficacy refers to judgments in our capabilities. Children who have a strong sense of self -efficacy believe in themselves to act on their own behalf. “This ability to act appropriately in one’s best interest is termed: agency. Self-efficacy refers to beliefs; agency refers to actions; but they both refer to a sense of personal control”. People with high levels of agency are known as “go getters”. Levine believes that children who are willing to “give it a shot” and approach teachers with a concern or problem develop stronger levels of self-efficacy. She claims, “The worst and unfortunately frequent scenario in competitive homes is that the parent calls up and demands to know from the teacher why the grade was low. Certainly there are times when children, particularly young children, need parental intervention. But these times are fewer than we think, and the goal should always be to help the child learn on his own behalf. (pp 71-72)
Ø In developing a healthy sense of self Levine claims, “Status, money possessions, achievement, the school your child goes to, or the grades he gets, are not factors that contribute to the development of a healthy sense of self”. (p.93) She further claims, “Every time we encourage exploration, applaud independence, and require self-control we help our children grow into their best selves. (p.94)
I gleaned several summations from this book and Levine’s experience in the field. There is a high value on homework and extracurricular activities and less on expectations around the home. Family responsibilities are important in keeping kids grounded. I see this more as my own children are getting older, and I need to step up some of the expectations around my own house.
I also think letting your children solve their own problems is hard to do, yet I do believe each time they solve a problem of their own they put a deposit in their self-confidence account. One of my son’s coaches told us at a pre-season parents meeting that if our son had a problem, question, or concern during the season he was expected to come and talk to the coaches himself rather than having his parents come in. We were welcome to talk to them but our son should have already approached them first. The coach also handed us a schedule that included departure times for away games. He told us to put the games on the big family schedule and then hand it over to our son. The players were expected to maintain their schedule and coordinate it appropriately with their classwork, etc. He said the motto was FIO- “figure it out”. The players were also present during this meeting, so the expectations were clear to all. My husband and I have adopted this motto on many other issues with our son. When he is looking at us to take charge of his problem, it is with confidence that we now say, “Figure it out”- and he usually does. I believe this goes along with what Levine discusses with the distinction between “support” and “intervention” and in developing self- efficacy. As parents we need to give our children the confidence to solve problems on their own. I think we instinctively know, as well, when it is a problem that we need to involve ourselves in such as bullying or serious emotional distress.
The most relevant notion from the book for me personally was the reminder of keeping the focus on who my own children are and not on their products. All three of my children need nudges to study and strive to do their best in school. Grades of a B with nods to either side are common in our home. Having a son starting high school in a school where honor roll is prized and top universities are the goal, I know in our home my husband and I will focus this year on what Levine calls “perseverance”, “perspective”, and the “process” and the value of “learning”. I also really like how she claims a “true sense of self” is not defined by the awards our kids win or the names of the schools and colleges they go to. After reading this book I feel encouraged to trust my instincts and keep the focus on my own children’s needs, who they are, and what is important for them. And of course, continue to nudge.
